26 February 2010

Sunday Reports Greatest Hits

On Sundays the PIC (Person In Charge) has to fill out a Sunday Report. I've been looking over my files, and here are some excerpts from Sunday Reports I did in the past.
___________________________________

June 7, 2004

STAFFING (LEVEL, PROBLEMS, ETC.):
Four Staff for the Info Desk under the light
Three for the Circ Desk like checkers at K-Mart
Twenty-two PCs for the patrons (just right)
One Page, pushing a well-laden cart
On McKinsey Road, where the patrons lie.
      One Page to clean up all, One Page to push them,
          One Page to sort them all, and on the shelves to smush them.
On McKinsey Road, where the patrons lie.
___________________________________

December 16, 2001

PATRON SERVICE INCIDENTS:
In his last ten minutes on the AACPL payroll, ----- punched two patrons in the nose; kicked three little old ladies in the shins; told five residents of --------- ------ that they were snobs; renewed one person’s books until April 15, 2106; set the home pages of all the public PCs to hotsluts.com; drew a corndog on the back of Mr. Johnston’s head; and exposed himself to not one but three troups of Girl Scouts. He was last seen headed north on Ritchie Highway, unrolling microfilm of the 1983 Baltimore Sun and cackling “Ron Kozlowski wears funny shoes!” (No, not really. But he WANTED to.)
___________________________________

November 16, 2003

PATRON SERVICE INCIDENTS:
The patrons come in.
We completely serve their needs.
Happy, they depart.

STAFFING (LEVEL, PROBLEMS, ETC.):
Staffing is an art.
Now too many, now too few.
Today is just right.

COMPLIMENTS:
A much better crew
More competent and friendly
I could not ask for.

ACTIVITY LEVEL:
Slow at first but then
As day wears on, more active.
Busy to the end.

BUILDING PROBLEMS:
The walls stand firmly,
Shelter us from the weather,
Keep the inside out.

OTHER:
I do not know why
This report turned out to be
Done all in haiku.
___________________________________

Sometimes I did a theme report in which I pretended to be someone else:
___________________________________

January 12, 2003

Reported by: Wendy Whiner

PATRON SERVICE INCIDENTS:
There weren’t ANNNY patron Incidents, even though I kept BEGging David to start one, but he wouldn’t even when I WHINED.

STAFFING (LEVEL, PROBLEMS, ETC.):
There were FOUR Circ and FIVE Info, and all of them were full-time career staff, and I don’t know WHERE we’re going to get the money to PAY them all, we’re going to go broke and we’ll all lose our jobs and we’ll have to MOVE OUT into the STREEEET.

COMPLIMENTS:
Everybody did reeeeal god today, it makes me feel BAAAD because they’re all BETter than I am.

ACTIVITY LEVEL:
It was Sloooowww…and we didn’t have ANYTHING to do, and I was sooooo Boooored! I haate it when it’s so SLOOOOOWWW and the day just draaaggggsssss on and on and on and on and on. And I didn’t know what I should DO to make the tiiiime pass more quickly, so we all just SUFfered.

I was soooo sleeeepy and all I wanted to do was curl up and take a naaaap, but nobody would LET me because they’re all so meeeeeean.

And then it started getting BUSY and HUNdreds of peeeeeople came in, and all the phones were riiinging and it was TERRible. All the COMputers were busy, and everybody was PICKING on us and all the patrons were whiiiiiining and I wanted to go home but Bethany wouldn't let me, she's such a poop-head! And then when I fiiiiinally went on my breeeeak, it was COLD in the staff roooooom.


BUILDING PROBLEMS:
It was TOOO COLD, then it was TOOOO HOOOT, and then the sun came in and it was sooo bright that it hurt my poor little eyes, and then it got DARker and we couldn’t SEEEEE anything and I stubbed my poor toe and it reeeeeally, REEEEEEEally hurt a lot.

OTHER:
Oh, I don’t know what to say here, I never know what to put under OTHER. It’s just not fair that I should always beeeee the one who has to fill out “Other” when there’s NEVer any Other to fill out. Oh, I guesss the only thing I can dooo is WHIIIIIIIIINE!!!
___________________________________

January 7, 2001

Reported by: Lex Luthor

PATRON SERVICE INCIDENTS:
Some guy in blue tights and a red cape came flying in with some complaint, but our emergency chunk of Kryptonite stopped him.

STAFFING (LEVEL, PROBLEMS, ETC.):
Staffing is an art.We had enough henchmen (and henchwomen) to keep the place operating.

ACTIVITY LEVEL:
Busy. How is an evil super-genius supposed to plan to take over the world, when all these patrons keep coming in? Despite a Ravens football game, half of ------- ---- and one-third of ------------ and ------ came in to work on their science fair projects. Fortunately, all the evil super-geniuses on staff were able to help.

We showed one kid how to make nerve gas to paralyze a small city, another how to build a digging machine so she could burrow into Fort Knox from below, and helped a third child shrink a Kryptonian city and put it in a bottle.


BUILDING PROBLEMS:
We may need to recharge the death rays.

OTHER:
I developed a serum to give us all X-Ray vision, but after looking around at the patrons, we decided that we didn't really want to see through their clothes.

We need more Kryptonite.
___________________________________

January 12, 2003

Reported by: Divine Inspiration

PATRON SERVICE INCIDENTS:
Yea and verily, there were no Patron Service Incidents, and for that the Staff were grateful, and they sang the praises of the Lord.

STAFFING (LEVEL, PROBLEMS, ETC.):
In those days, the Lord provided that the number of the Staff should be Nine, and Nine there were. And of that Nine, the number of the Info Staff was Five, for there were only So Many Computers, and the Lord knew that the Public would constantly importune the Info Staff for aid. And the number of the Circ Staff was Three, no more and no less, for that is the number of the Trinity. And the number of the Pages was One, for the Pages are a lazy and slovenly lot, and few of them wish to work on the Sabbath.

So the Staff numbered Nine, and Nine was the number of the Staff. And the Lord saw that it was good.

COMPLIMENTS:
Yea, all the Staff deserved compliment. Lisa the Brave, and Linda the Strong, and Diane the Resourceful were pleasing in the sight of the Lord, for they did their Circ work well. And the Info Staff were likewise pleasing to the Lord. And their names were Diane the Sore-Armed, and Barbara the Media-Specialist, and Jill from Riviera, and Mary Jane who is called Pittman. And the Page, Robin the Bold, served long and was devoted to the Lord. All these things are true, for I, Don the Humble, have seen them with my own eyes.

ACTIVITY LEVEL:
At one o’clock, yea, did the Gates of Hell open, and all the ferocious denizens thereof spill forth, filling the library and sorely taxing the faithful Staff. And even unto the Third Hour did this numberless host bedevil them, nipping at their heels and devouring their entrails. And at the Third Hour did the torment lessen, but not vanish entirely; for the denizens of Hell did no longer worship the false gods of The Football Game, but instead pursued the faithful Staff. Great were the lamentations of the Staff. And it was not until the stroke of the Fifth Hour, and even a little beyond, that the Lord took pity on the Staff and made the Demons Go Away, saying “Begone, you spawn of Hell, and return not until the sun has set and risen once again, on the Ninth Hour of the morrow.”

And the Staff were grateful.

BUILDING PROBLEMS:
It is written that in the beginning, the Staff displeased the Lord, and He cast them forth from Paradise, saying, “For all your days, you will work in this building, and there will be no escape. And the building will be Too Dark, and Too Noisy, and the Carpet shall be an abomination in My sight. And thou shalt sit on Hard, Uncomfortable Metal Chairs in the Staff Room, and the building shall forever be either Too Hot or Too Cold but never anywhere in the Middle. And the Parking Lot shall be filled with speeding demons who take no account of the Staff or their Safety. And thus shall it be, unto the Seventh Generation, and thou shalt be able to do Nothing About It.” So spaketh the Lord. And it was so.

OTHER:
When the Staff arrived, they found the Copier by Fiction dead, and none of their prayers could awaken it. And then the Self-Check died, and none of the Staff, Circ or Info, could bring it back to life. Then it came that the Copier by the Gates stopped accepting coins, hoarding them all to itself and delivering neither Copies nor Change. And all these Machines were marked with the sacred sign of Out of Order. And the Lord saw that it was good.
___________________________________